Dream Diary II

I fell out of reality and into my dream only to wake up under a kaleidoscopic glass ceiling that somehow reminded me of your eyes, and the uneasiness slowly started to creep in. The scene immediately changed. It was as if I was in control. I found myself swimming in the air through a forest. A dazzling world where the ravens and crows strode beside me through the ocean and the whales flew within the un-trespassed rainbow-tinted sky. I was soaring backwards on silver-tipped wings made of supple, snow coloured clouds which opened up like a silk stream and let in a myriad of colours which blinded me. So I turned the other way. There was a parade of neon cloaked figures marching on buildings flowing sideways. A psychedelic scene! Reality seemed flimsy, expanding and contracting at random. Butterflies with stunning poly-chromatic wings were drinking from the beautiful blue petals of serene morning glories enveloping the glass building. A bunch of cats were singing karaoke to the melody of galloping sea horses, the lyrics papered against the sky.

I was swimming along with trees flowing through the forest; regaling in the tales of the lustrous paintings hanging between the branches, like the clothesline in my Mum’s backyard. I was dancing with Kaali, adorned in liquid crystal armour, to the bustling beat of her Tiger’s trumpet. That’s when it hit me. A succulent aroma, the kinds that can whisk you away. It mysteriously flowed in, unsuspected, and enticed me, but before I could react, I was being caressed by the vines of magenta flowers twirling and spreading their petals all over me. The petals appeared to be changing colours in the warm, whistling wind, as I unraveled myself off it and swiftly mounted upon an enormous and magnificent elephant with exquisite legs, brazenly defying gravity, flying through the air. Together we advanced to what looked like a giant beating heart, a human heart. My heart started beating faster as we moved forward, the parade stomping alongside. As I got closer, I jumped off and ran up the foothills of the heart, faster than sound. It felt as though I had left my body behind, for it was too slow. Therefore, what can only be described as my soul, sped towards that essence. Wind howling behind me, I arrived.

It might have been the center because as soon as I got there, time slowed and my existence felt like it was being sucked into the black hole where you should have been. Instead, there was a disco ball, also swirling into the hole beside me. Then there were the people from the parade, the butterflies, the ravens and the crows, the sea-horses. It looked like a tornado of pulsating colours. I caught the twisted smile of one of the cats grappling with Kaali and her tiger, melting into each other, like metamorphosing. Everything was crumbling in space as time itself erratically fluctuated. It looked devastatingly glorious! Everything was piecing into singularity and Bang!

That’s when I heard it. In-spite of the deafening ringing of the bang, I heard your name. The power with which it still makes me shudder, it has yet to relinquish. Your name, like a storm, murmured to my soul like thunder echoing on a rainy night. It struck me like lightning and traveled through my body like a wave of torment. “Replace it! Replace the scene!” But the pain was too immense and I could feel myself losing control. I couldn’t muster the strength to change the scene so I did the next best thing. I forced myself out of the dream and once again, fell back into reality.

Beyond Dichotomy: Navigating the Nuances of Good and Bad

I used to believe there was a distinct segregation between two ‘worlds’ - one good, one bad. This dichotomy was applied to nearly everything around me, from events to people, and even my own decisions. At times, it felt like I was confined in a straitjacket, creating a constant sense of unease and uncertainty about my actions. As time passed, the rigid separation between these two worlds began to blur, bringing them curiously close together. It became evident that good and bad are not clear-cut polarities but rather nuanced aspects of our experiences. They are not opposites. We may not like one end of the scale, and so we call it bad, but this does not make bad an opposite polarity of good.

Now, I won't extend this approach to 'really bad things and events' because I can't. Yet, this state of equanimity or acceptance of the relative nature of good and bad once applied to some aspects of my life, internally and externally, has helped me over time. To allow you to gain a better understanding of the divide, I will try to describe it metaphorically.

The best way I can explain it is if I examine the separation of the two worlds to staring through a rain-spattered windowpane. One could look straight through the coating of rain droplets covering the glass pane, subconsciously registering them as an inconvenient obstacle that needed to be overcome, and thus, automatically and instinctively ignoring them. On the other hand, one could also focus directly on the rain droplets and visually register them in their own right while still having the ability to look through them to the other side.

At times, you may find yourself feeling shock waves of badness when you do something you were taught was wrong even if now you don't agree that it's bad. In these times, remember that you are a human with every right to be here, learning and exploring. To label yourself good or bad is to think too small. What you are is a decision-maker, and every moment provides you with the opportunity to move in the direction of evolution or in the direction of stagnation or degradation.

Sometimes our choices and actions lead us in different directions. At times, these choices take us in the opposite direction of the reality we want to create for ourselves. Instead of labeling ourselves as good or bad, it's essential to acknowledge the choices that lead us down a particular path. We can then let go, forgive ourselves, and prepare for the next opportunity to choose and act in ways that align with our best intentions.

Resist being blinded by the peaks and valleys of wins and losses in life, and be kinder to yourself and others. Choose improving yourself over killing yourself just to attain a ridiculous standard of perfection. You have strengths, and you have weaknesses. Sometimes you succeed, and sometimes you fail. Sometimes you’re right, and sometimes you’re wrong. It is just the way things are, so try to accept yourself and allow yourself to fully be who you are. In the end, only you know the difference. If you find yourself going into self-judgment, try to stop yourself as soon as you can and come back to the center. Do not undermine your ability to find your own moral center and to trust and be guided by your inner self.

Be aware! You will figure out the balance along the way. Know that you are not good or bad; you are simply you.

Tender

Excerpt from, The End Of The Line.

I feel tender, but not like a flower or a love story. Instead, a deep cut left weeping in the cold wind, like scabs that one picks until they leave scars. I wish I could tear out the hard lump in my throat like tissue.

Have you ever just wanted a free mind, one where you can simply exist and forget everything; not because you don't enjoy what you are doing, but because it will allow you to do anything you wanted? A mind free of over-thinking consequences or risks of actions? A truly free mind? It's something I wish I had.

I also wish I could heal correctly, but for now, I would like to curl up and just cry, tenderly.